In my last entry, I mentioned how I'm not nervous about the responsibility of having two children.
Feel free to laugh, really. I'm sure I'll eat those words soon.
But anyway. That's not to say I don't have worrying going on.
1.) After my labor with Jack, in which my pain meds ran out when it was time to push and so I did so naturally? I want to purposely go natural this time. I mean...I know it can be done. I know *I* can do it. So why wouldn't I? If I don't need drugs pumped through me and the baby, why would I choose that? If it means recovery will be easier and I'll feel better afterward, why wouldn't I choose that? Basically, all my intrathecal shot did last time was allow me to get a couple hours of sleep in the middle of the night.
But does that mean the memory of that temporary pain isn't scaring the non-existent balls off of me? Nooooooo. Which brings me to:
2.) Time of day. I really don't want the main event happening in the middle of the night again. With Jack, I started contractions the morning of the 26th, powered through them all day, and we headed to the hospital, which is about 45minutes away from where we live, around 10pm. I REALLY labored all through the night and had him by 9am on the 27th. I basically never caught up on sleep. I was deliriously tired the day he was born...like to the point I have some memories of that day that are out-of-body. It's WEIRD.
So yes, I'd rather it not happen that way again, but moreso, I don't want to have to head to the hospital in the middle of the night because I don't want to leave Jack in the middle of the night. I don't want him to wake up in the morning and have us not be there. Just the thought of that happening gives me so much anxiety about all of this. The hospital is far enough away that if I sent Jay home to be there for when he wakes up in the morning, who knows what could progress between him driving to our house and back? I don't want him to miss the birth. It's not that I don't trust the people we have in place to be with Jack while we're at the hospital. I just don't like the thought of what he'll think waking up in the morning to someone that's not Mommy and Daddy, no matter if we prepare him for that or not. He can be pretty irrational when he first wakes up...
So those are my two freak out points as of right now...